“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

-- William Shakespeare

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?

Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.”

“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:

Sautéed Tourist $10

Braised Reporter $12

Fried Diplomat $15

Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”

A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?”

“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,” is the reply.

“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a lawyer I’d like to have eaten.”

“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

“I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”

Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?

Second person: No.

First person: Good!

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...

Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always the third thing they look up?

Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle,I  will grant you three wishes," said the genie.

"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."

First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.  "Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road. Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer".

"That's okay", replied the priest.  "I got him with the door."

An airplane full of lawyers was hijacked.

The terrorists threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

Q. Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)?

A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.

The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Two lawyers have a suicide pack; they will jump off a roof at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.

Question: Who hits the sidewalk first?

Answer: Who cares?!

Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?

Three reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats; second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them; and finally, there are some things that even a rat won't do.

One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

Only one if you run him through slowly!

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

Never enough.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

Skeet.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?

Not enough cement.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?

If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

Bumper Snicker:

Support a Lawyer--Become a Doctor

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-Ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-Ray'd instead.

"Oh, no!  cried the lab technician." Your reproductive organs just received a dangerous dose of radiation!"

"Does that mean my children will be mutated?" asked the worried young man.

"Worse," replied the technician.  "All your children will be lawyers!"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

You shoot the lawyer. Twice.